OnBeingaDad

I was in my mid 30s when I found out I was going to be a dad. I recall the excitement I felt at first and then the nervousness – was I really ready to be a dad?

Up until that point in our lives, my wife and I had focussed on our careers, buying a new home, and travelling to different parts of the world doing what we enjoy – experiencing various cultures and food. We had so much free time on our hands that I recall us joining several MeetUp groups just to fill our weekends with things to do when we were not partying with our close friends and family.

I imagined my dad life would be everything I had going on (i.e., things remaining status quo) with just tiny human beings in our midst who we would be completely responsible for. Talk about being naive?

Looking back, I see now that I was clueless and had absolutely no idea what being a dad was all about.

Now, with my oldest turning 8 and my youngest heading to age 5, I have learnt so much and continue to learn everyday. Here are a few things I now know that I wish I had known back then.

Raise your hand when you need help.

As men, we are inclined to think that we know everything about anything. And anything we don’t know, we think we can probably YouTube or ask the Google AI agents while no one is watching. Correct?

Whilst the above may work, we need to remember that being a dad is the most important job you will ever have, and since kids don’t come with instruction manuals, we need to get help from other dads.

For me, I needed and welcomed all the support I could get when my son was born premature and was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for a good 6-weeks before he came home. More to come on this in a future post. I had turned to online NICU dad support groups to learn and share experiences with fellow NICU dads who were doing everything they could to be the strength for their families. Hearing their stories and being able to ask questions helped get me through a difficult period at the time.

So make it a point to talk to other dads to seek their advice and ask for help if you need it. It may be challenging and even scary to open up at first, but trust me, you will find it beneficial. Don’t be ashamed to admit that you need help – you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Find dads you can connect with, discuss parenting with and who will support you when you’re unsure of what to do. Having a support network of dads that you can lean on will make a tremendous difference on your dad journey.

Listen more.

When I became a dad, I thought dishing out advice to my kids constantly was part of my role (in addition to teaching them life long skills such as riding a bike and swimming).

As dads, we want to come in and rescue our kids from any problem they may encounter. What we fail to realize is that sometimes what kids are really in need of is just a safe place where we simply listen to them. Your kids need to vent about their problems more than they need your solutions to their problems.

Remember, “Silence is golden” and choosing to press pause on a response can create the space for your kids to find the solutions themselves.

Laugh often.

When the kids are young, everything is a game and play time is anytime. But as they grow older, things tend to become more serious. This is precisely why you need to be intentional about creating opportunities for laughter.

My kids love my goofy faces, so I tend to bring on those faces randomly even when they are angry or sad. It switches up their mood almost instantaneously and helps me and them feel connected to each other.

Kids may not remember all the serious advise you give them, but they will remember how you make them feel. So, why not make them feel joy?

Make it your priority to laugh with your kids as often as possible.

Remain patient – always.

Patience is a virtue they say and before being a dad, I thought I had an abundant amount of patience in my blood. Becoming a dad, put that to the test for me. It will for you too.

Kids have minds of their own. They tend to push and test boundaries. It’s inevitable that they will do things you ask them not to do. And when they disobey or throw tantrums (especially during the toddler years), handling the situation requires patience. This quality and skill is something which when mastered will go a long way in showcasing what a true hero and role model you can be for your kids.

Be present by resting up.

Dads feel the responsibility of providing for their family. This isn’t a bad thing unless we get consumed on solely working to provide for our kids, that we don’t spend that quality time and in turn miss out on them being kids. This is why it is vital to rest.

Sleep is essential and has its benefits, but I am referring more about also setting aside the time everyday to enjoy your kids especially in their early years. It goes a long way in establishing a bond with them and they will feel reassured that they have you (their rock) prioritizing them no matter what.

Dads brag about working 24/7 and climbing the corporate ladder, but at the end of the day, it should not be something your family has to suffer for.

Take it one day at a time and keep a positive outlook on life. You got this fellow dad!